Bulldagger Buddha

Sometimes it's hard to believe how little straight people know about sex and relationships. A relationships-for-dummies guide has been on the New York Times most emailed articles list for nearly a month! Read the questions: It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that maybe you should talk about kids, money and in-laws before you get married. The funny thing is, the last article up for a comparable period of time was a piece about how to train your husband using the same techniques you would with a wild animal. Seriously.

Last night I met a straight couple at a bar. They asked me something about oral sex and why some men didn't like going down. To which I replied, measured sage that I am, especially under the influence of a couple mojitos, "You either like pussy or you don't. Those guys have a problem."

The straights roared with laughter. But then they raised the point that some women weren't so good at getting gone down on either. To which I said, again with composed wisdom, "They really have a problem! They've taken society's shame over pussies to heart."*

They looked at me as if to say, "Say more, wise bulldagger, say more!"

So I did. I said, "Have you ever met a guy who's embarrassed about liking to have his dick sucked?" They still looked enthralled (I'm actually fucking serious here), so I said, "Let's go one further. Have you ever known a guy who says, 'It's OK if you suck my dick, but don't touch my balls--I get embarrassed'?"

This story was repeated with awe at least three times. I mean, Christ. I was loaded.


*I'm not an expert on flesh-and-blood cocks or anything, but in my limited experience I recall that they also have a distinctly genital odor and have also been known to ooze. So what is our problem?

Update: The Times story on "training" your husband is back on the most emailed list. And a piece breaking the news that more women are now unmarried than married has joined it. If married life is so bad, I'd say not getting married is a more rational response than learning exotic animal training techniques.